


Batsnipers, Power Grids, and Kryptonite Machetes

by takebuo_ishimatsu



Series: The Perils of Love [1]
Category: Teen Titans (comic)
Genre: Humor, M/M, batfamily, courting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-14
Updated: 2011-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-14 18:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takebuo_ishimatsu/pseuds/takebuo_ishimatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd heard the horror stories: the guys who'd met the shotgun before they'd met the father, dates that'd been interrupted by random police stops, even being challenged to a karate match first. Connor only wished he had it that easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Batsnipers, Power Grids, and Kryptonite Machetes

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Spoilers for the new stuff going on in the Batman universe.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans.

“Flash! I need your help! God, I just don't know what to do! I-I can't take this! How did you do it? HOW?” Conner grabbed the other hero and shook him, as if the answers might fall out of his non-existent pockets if he did it hard enough.

 

“Wow, wow! Calm down, little Big Guy. Do some explaining. I'm fast, but even I'm not that quick on the uptake,” Flash said with an amused smile, gently prying the other's hands off his spandex.

 

“Right,” Conner said, taking a deep breath before releasing it. “Well, it's like this...”

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

He supposed, logically, he should have seen it coming. It wasn't like everyone and their mother didn't already know about Batman's extreme paranoia. Or his extreme dislike of metas. Or his fierce over-protectiveness of his loved ones, _especially_ his Robins, after Jason. And it wasn't like Tim hadn't come running to him, a smile brighter than the sun lighting up his face, and declared his father still alive.

 

He supposed he must have put two-and-two together and somehow wound up with seven, since he'd really not seen that semi until it'd slammed into him going eighty on an icy road.

 

It'd started out simple. Batman asking Tim if he still carried his Kryptonite at all times, voice soft enough that he didn't appear overly rude but loud enough so that Conner knew he was meant to hear. He'd chalked it up to Batman being his usual distrustful self, perhaps more-so because of his own “death,” and hadn't thought anything else of it.

 

After all, Tim had told him the very next day when Batman had originally made him promise to always carry a sliver of Kryptonite with him, after Conner had lost it to Lex Luther and broken Tim's arm. It wasn't like the green poison was new to their relationship.

 

And if he caught the sound of footsteps following them one too many times to be natural, so what? He'd verified that it was Dick, once again in his Nightwing costume, and had forgotten all about it. Batman probably just wanted to make certain his little bird wasn't lost to him again. He called in to Titans Tower to check up on his youngest far more than he ever had with the others, though that admittedly could have had something to do with Damian being a pint-sized prick.

 

He might have been a bit on the dense side when Bruce had started insisting that he and Tim sit in the lounge and watch TV with him, or forcing them to take Bart along on any non-mission related trips. And he didn't know what he was thinking when he'd ignorantly agreed to give the Bat some more samples to run a few extra “safety tests” on his DNA.

 

But really, none of that had even come close to preparing him for the moment when Batman had sat down next to him, in Bruce Wayne guise but Batman through-and-through, and bluntly demanded to know if he'd stuck his dick in his innocent Red Robin.

 

He'd stuttered, of course, being understandably flustered, and hadn't answered right away. Batman hadn't liked that at _all_. He'd assumed that that was Conner's way of saying yes, and then he'd demanded to know if he'd used protection. _Strong_ protection against any potential side-effects of sleeping with an alien. And if he'd stretched him. And why he even had to stretch him – why hadn't he allowed Tim on top? Was he certain he'd wanted to be on bottom? Was he extra, _extra,_ quintuply certain that he'd even wanted sex? And he _had_ used protection, _right_?

 

And so it'd gone on and on, half of the questions merely being re-emphasized prior questions, which was just a fancy way of saying they were threats and Conner had better the hell have treated Tim as if he was amazing, wonderful, special, and made out of sparkles, rainbows, and baby fruit bats.

 

When Tim had _finally_ gotten back from his patrol with Nightwing and the brat, he'd not been certain whether he wanted to cry, pee himself, kill himself or all of the above, in that order.

 

Clothed as Red Robin, Tim had pulled down his mask and innocently told him that if he'd gotten free of his “obligations,” he could have joined them. No need to wait up with the Big Bad Bat.

 

Conner hadn't known what obligations he'd been talking about, but had smiled and said he hadn't wanted to interrupt. He'd never told Tim the truth afterward, fearing Batman's Look, which just _dared_ him to say something that went against the pre-established lie, while at the same time telling him that he'd _know_ if he did.

 

As he'd shakily gotten up to go get a pizza with the other brunette, Batman had whispered, just for his ears, that he had the means to sharpen his Kryptonite into a sharp edge. Ya know, to _cut things off_.

 

Conner'd been too afraid to go back to the manor since.

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

By this time, Flash was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he was having a hell of a time wiping them off through his mask.

 

“I'm sorry, that's just too good,” Flash held up a hand in apology before bending over again, his breath coming out in a gasp as he tried to gain control of himself.

 

“Yeah, yeah, sooooo funny. What's your horror story?” Conner asked with rolled eyes.

 

“Uh...” Flash shrugged, an apologetic smile on his face.

 

Conner's mouth dropped, “ARE YOU SERIOUS? He threatens to cut off my,” he made a motion towards his crotch, “And you get nothing? NOTHING?”

 

“Well, he did tell me to treat his bird boy with respect, or else I wouldn't last long enough to even _be_ sorry. Aside from that and a 'small' list of rules, that's about it. Unlike _some_ , I asked Bats' permission to court his little flower. And, I _didn't_ steal his petals until over a year later, which was really more Dick's fault than mine, anyway,” Flash said, pointing a finger at him.

 

Conner gave him an outraged look, “First off, at the time, he was _dead_ , and secondly, I didn't sleep with Tim!”

 

“Uh, you didn't?” Flash scratched his head confusedly.

 

Connor groaned, “No, that's the worst part! I get all of the consequences but none of the benefits. I mean, we've...experimented,” he flushed as he shot a glance at the older male before looking towards the ground, “but I didn't do anything like _that_. Just kisses and stuff.”

 

“Man, sucks to be you,” Flash sympathized.

 

“Great advice, why didn't I come to you sooner?” Conner huffed, turning to leave before Flash grabbed his arm to stop him.

 

“Hey now, don't be like that. I can understand how you might not want to bring this up to Tim, but have you tried Dick?”

 

Connor groaned again, “God, that's the worst part! _You_ were lucky. Dick was the first. Tim has _brothers_.”

 

“ _Oh_ . Tell me about it?” Flash asked, and though Conner felt it was more for the speedster's amusement than his own help, he did so.

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

Again, he supposed he should have seen it coming. The guys at school didn't just have horror stories about dating Daddy's little girl. Big brother, or even baby brother, could be nightmare-worthy as well.

 

Still, he'd thought Dick was, well, Dick. He was the cool, friendly one of the group. All smiles when the situation didn't require seriousness. Sometimes he smiled in those situations as well, but they usually weren't the happy kind of smile.

 

They were the scary kind, as Conner soon found out not two days after his horrific encounter with Daddy Bat.

 

Being his usual naïve self, he hadn't even thought to wonder about Tim being late to their three-way lunch date. And that was saying something about his naivete, considering Tim was _never_ late if he could help it.

 

Dick had started off with his friendly smile, telling him nonchalantly that Tim would be there soon. They'd ordered some drinks, a soda for Conner and a Bat-healthy non-sweetened tea for his companion. Dick had begun the conversation on an odd topic – the weaknesses of metas vs. those of humans.

 

He'd pointed out that humans, while fragile, could train away most of their weaknesses and get rid of the others via technology, such as the Batfamily did. But metas usually had at least one crippling weakness, which many of them didn't even bother to compensate for with training since they expected their powers to do that.

 

And then he'd started on the similar topic of how many metas, he'd noticed, had a problem with electricity. For example, even Superman could get temporarily knocked out from too many volts. Maybe even killed if one were to, oh...hook him up to a power grid?

 

Truthfully, even with the killing Superman comment, Connor hadn't had any idea of where he'd been going with the conversation, just assuming that it was some weird topic that Bats talked about. Tim was into that kind of stuff too, though he did try to tone it down during their “normal” time.

 

Almost absentmindedly, Dick added how he'd studied electrics from Bruce when he was just a boy. And how he was actually pretty good at it. And how Wayne Enterprises owned over half of the electricity market in Metropolis, and they'd been looking to expand.

 

Maybe Kansas?

 

Then he'd taken a leisurely sip of his tea, his gaze drifting over the glass towards his table-mate and in that instant Conner _knew_.

 

Conner's mouth had dropped open in shock before he'd quickly recovered himself.

 

Leaning across the table, he'd whispered quickly, “I swear to God, Dick, I didn't...didn't... _deflower_ your baby brother. It all came out wrong when I was talking to Bruce, I _swear_.”

 

Dick had paused momentarily, a dark, contemplative look on his face that told the Super that he was weighing the truth of his statement and he'd better not be lying if he wanted to continue peeing standing up. Suddenly, he smiled brightly across the room, waving towards their topic of conversation.

 

“That's good to hear. Let's keep it that way, hmm?” Dick has whispered out of the corner of his mouth, his smile still firmly in place as Tim walked over towards them. Just before he'd reached the table, Dick had added, “Wouldn't want there to be any _accidents_ , now would we?”

 

Conner gave him a horrified look, not quite certain if he was understanding the other right. Batman was no doubt in his cave at that very moment making a Kryptonite _machete_ , and there Dick was threatening to turn him into an electrified crispy critter.

 

“Hey there, Timmy, how's my baby bro?” Dick asked, messing up his hair fondly.

 

Tim shrugged him off with a semi-scowl, “Fine, until you started molesting me.”

 

Conner's face went pale at the mention of molestation, and he took a painful gulp of his soda. Tim gave him a concerned look.

 

“Something wrong?”

 

“Yeah, something wrong?” Dick asked as well, all smile. _Scary_ smile.

 

“Nope, not at all, never been better. I gotta go to the bathroom.”

 

He jumped up and darted off to the Mens' Room, still able to hear when Tim asked his brother if Conner had been acting strange.

 

“I don't know. Maybe. You think Bruce coming back as something to do with it? I mean, he did die himself and...”

 

Conner tuned them out after that, still somewhat amazed at the Bats' ability to tell the complete truth without saying anything truthful. He supposed he'd have to get used to that. If he lived long enough to date Tim, that is.

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

This time Flash only had a wide smile to give his tale, though Connor supposed it was still better than the giggling he'd had in response to his previous story.

 

“All in all, I hate to tell you this, but I think your boyfriend has severe, violent tendencies. Probably runs in the family. I'd watch out for it if I was you,” Conner finished and this time Flash did snicker a little.

 

“Man, you're just not doing to well when it comes to this whole dating-a-Bat thing, are you?”

 

Conner sighed, “Why did I come to you again?”

 

“Because I can put the moves on ol' Nightie, and I bet we both know someone that can convince Bats to lighten up.”

 

“Clark?”

 

“Well, actually, I was thinking of calling in Jeeves, that man's an angel in disguise, but Supes might be able to survive an attempt or two.”

 

“Might?” Conner asked with an amused smile.

 

Flash shrugged, “Well, this is Bats we're talking about.”

 

“Great, just what I wanted to do this weekend: plead my love case to Superman and hope Tim never finds out about such an embarrassment.”

 

“Hey now, you know it'll be worth it,” Flash said, pointing at him as if to say he should know better. The sudden softness around his mouth alerted Conner to the fact that his mind wasn't on Tim when he said that.

 

“Right. But, there's still one problem with your master plan.”

 

Flash tilted his head, reminding Conner of a curious dog. A speedy, blindingly red dog, that is.

 

“I said Tim had brother _s_. Plural. And I'm not talking about the estranged, crazy one.”

 

Flash's eyes widened, “You're kidding. He doesn't even like Tim!”

 

“Yeah, well, apparently he likes me even _less_.”

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

Conner may have been a little on the dense side before, but he was positive there was no way he could have seen the next one coming. As Flash had said, Tim's other brother didn't even _like_ the third Robin, let alone harbor some sort of borderline-obsessive protective urge for him.

 

He could _not_ have prevented it!

 

In fact, Conner steadfastly refused to admit that his final encounter with the Batling Protection Squad was anything other than the universe laughing at him.

 

It'd started out with him having a rather nice dream about Tim that threatened to turn the sheets sticky before the night was through. However, as fate would have it, he was apparently not even allowed to dream naughty things about the Baby Bat since he'd suddenly found himself lurching out of bed in pain. He could feel the fluorescent green glow drifting over his skin, alerting him to the the name of the substance before his brain had even processed the sight of it.

 

“Too afraid to fight me? Come to murder me in my sleep, you coward?” Conner wheezed out, more for the sake of getting out a few last words than any elaborate plan to hopefully get the guy's pride to drop the Kryptonite. That sort of thinking was generally more Tim's area.

 

“Please, as enticing as it may be to rid the world of your idiocy, Father has forbidden me to kill. Though, he might make an exception for you,” Damian said with an arrogant smirk, putting one hand on his hip, while dangling the Kryptonite with the other.

 

“You've got to be kidding! Don't tell me you're protecting his virtue too! You hate Tim! You'd like see him dead!”

 

“My motives are not for you to know, meta. Just realize that I too will be watching you both and I will step in to stop you if you try anything with my...brother.” Damian made a face at the last word.

 

“ Damian, you little brat! I will kill you the next time I see you in Titans Tower! How could you threaten me with Kryptonite! This is _not_ teamwork!”

 

Damian looked at him oddly, as if he truly didn't understand the betrayal, which, knowing Damian, could be possible.

 

“This small amount won't kill you unless ingested. Or shot directly into a vital organ.” He gave Conner a dark smirk, “I don't have the same problem with guns as my Father; I just consider them a cheat for those with no fighting talent, such as Pennyworth. Fighting a Super might make it even, however.”

 

Conner just smacked a hand to his forehead, “Ok, got it, I won't sleep with your brother, whom you actually hate and shouldn't be bothering me over anyway. If I do, you're going to Batsnipe me. Great, can you go now?”

 

“Very well. See you next weekend, flyboy,” Damian said haughtily, jumping out the window.

 

Conner put a pillow over his face, half-contemplating trying to smother himself with it.

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

“Well, I can't say that I can help you with that problem, but hopefully I can get Dick on your side and then maybe he'll have an idea as to what to do with the wayward chick.”

 

“Yeah, that'd be good. I think I managed to convince him that I'd do what he said, but the brat said he'd be watching. What if Tim and I are, _you know_ , and he snipes me with a Kryptonian bullet or something?”

 

Though, upon retrospect, at least death via Damian would be quick. He didn't have enough love for Tim to be vengeful like the other two. It would be nothing like slowly bleeding out after an appendage amputation or the slowly cooked alive feeling that'd come from high-voltage electrocution.

 

Flash reached over and squeezed his shoulder, “Remember, if you really love him, then it's all worth it.”

 

Conner smiled, the image of shining blue eyes coming to mind.

 

“Yeah. Even with the Batsnipers, power grids, and Kryptonite machetes, I never doubted that part.”

 

Flash slung an arm around his shoulders and steered him towards the exit.

 

The speedster paused just before they walked out the door, “Uh, dude? _Machetes_?...I think we're gonna need Supes _and_ Jeeves for this one.”

 

 **EXTRA GOODIE BELOW:**

 

*I originally planned to do Bruce-Dick-Jason, before deciding it was pushing the realm of belief too far and tossed it out. So, here's the original last brother, for your viewing pleasure. (Not like I'm gonna do anything else with this writing scrap.)

 

… **That sort of thinking was generally more Tim's area.**

 

“Murder you? As enticing as that sounds, I usually only do in the baddies. You're not a baddie, are you? You don't, for example, molest young boys against their will or anything, right?”

 

Conner's eyes widened as he fully took in just who he was talking to.

 

“You've got to be kidding! Don't tell me you're protecting his virtue too! You hate Tim! You beat him with a fucking pipe!”

 

“On the contrary! I'm here investigating a possible abuse case against a minor. It has nothing to do with any familial ties, I assure you. I'm the Red Hood, I enforce the protection of...innocents,” he said the last word as if it physically pained him to think of his former brother as such, but apparently Tim was close enough to qualify for his kind of hard justice.

 

Conner just stared at the other incredulously, wondering how the hell he'd gotten the private information so quickly, as well as where he'd gotten the Kryptonite, before deciding he probably didn't want to know. He'd chalk it up to being another Bat thing and put it out of his mind. He had more important things to worry about, after all.

 

Such as the way the Red Hood leaned in dangerously, hissing at him that he'd not answered his question.

 

Conner's eyes squeezed shut as the Kryptonite came closer, and he groaned in pain.

 

“For the last time! I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH TIM DRAKE! And I most certainly did not rape him! We just kissed, I swear!”

 

Jason leaned in closer, eyes narrowed behind his mask, “ _Just_ kissed?”

 

Conner was in too much agony to even blush as he added awkwardly, “God, ok, ok! We've jerked each other off a few times! In the shower! That's it! Is that what you wanted? Do you want more details about your little brother's sex life, you pervert? Do you!?”

 

Jason pulled back slightly and began pacing the room, giving Conner a chance to relax for a moment.

 

After a few agonizing seconds, Jason stopped and leaned towards him in a threatening manner that would have made his mentor proud.

 

“Did you use protection?”

 

THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.

 

“Wow, that's just...wow,” Flash said, looking almost lost, “I can't believe Jason Todd would actually attack you over Tim.”

 

“Yeah, he kept insisting that it was just as much his duty to protect kids from stuff like that as it was Batman's. Personally, I think he still has a soft spot for his old family, and the thought of a Super forcing himself on his former baby brother was just too much to ignore, I guess.”

 

*End of Extra*

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hopefully that wasn't too OOC or overly “trying to be funny.” Just an amusing little thought that came to me the other day when I was browsing through the Conner/Tim.
> 
> Once again, please ignore the overuse of “little.” (Though I think I was slightly better in this than in “Sometimes He Might...”)


End file.
